How to be a Wal-Mart shopper.

  Many of you have probably woken up in the morning one day and thought, “Dammit, I want to be the typical Wal-Mart shopper!  But I don’t know what to do.” Then you went back to sleep and moped for the rest of the year because there isn’t a “an idiots guide” or “Wal-Mart shopping for dummies” book.  Well, raise your wee head and fret no more, I have compiled the list of how to be the typical Wal-Mart shopper.

  You are Number One.
The store should look completely void of people to you; this is one of the essential parts of shopping like a true Wal-Marter. You only look out for number one.  So what if you’re in the way, you’re right where you want to be, why should you move?  Ignoring other people isn’t everything though.  Also, if you cause any type of spills, accident or an entire display to fall over, just leave.  You don’t have to worry about that, someone else will take care of it.

  Get in the Way.
The lane is wide enough for two carts to fit with ease, but when turned horizontally, one cart can block the whole area.  This is one step you must remember.  Make it nearly impossible for other people to get by.  Bonus points if you are a long way from your cart looking at products.  Carts are good vessels to carry out this step, but your body works just as well.  Same situation, this time you look for someone who has pulled to the side to let people get by.  Walk right beside them and block the lane completely.  If they move to let someone pass, back up just at the right time to “get a better look at an item” therefore blocking their path. Pros go a step further and do both the lane blocking with their body and carts.  Another tested method is meeting someone you haven’t seen for a while in the store.  When this happens you can block lanes like a pro.  Typically you meet the person in a high traffic area; just as you walk in the doors, the coolers on May 2-4 weekend, or the very first right as you walk in the doors.  Once you’ve started the conversation, be sure to make it look like you’re trying to get out of the way of the flow of people, but really put yourself in a spot that will cause more difficulty.

  Be Foreign.
Now, you may think this is racist, but it isn’t. If you glance around the typical Wal-Mart, the most lost and ask the most questions.  And, because they’re new to Canada, or wherever your local Wal-Mart is located, they need to find cheaper stuff; they can’t go all out after a big move. The language barrier hurts their ability to understand, and it cripples all of the questions they ask.  It may even cause the questions to frequently be asked due to lack of understanding, or just plain ignorance.  Bonus points for the people that talk in such thick accents that the employee that you are asking for assistance from has to ask you to repeat it three times and mistakes what you were asking for.  Example: “Where are your tights?” could be mistaken for “Where are your toilets?” When mistakes like that occur, you know that you’re doing things right.

  Ask a CRAPLOAD of Questions.
“Where’s your corks?” “I saw this in the flyer, do you know where it is?” And many other questions are good examples of what to ask, here are a few of the more popular ones.
- “Where’s your bread?” (ask while standing right beside it)
- “Is this 50% off?” (ask while pointing to the sign that says “50% off”)
- “Do you know anything about men’s wear?” (ask an associate that is located on the other side of the store)
- “Why don’t you carry insert brand name?” (an angry tone and perhaps even yelling are effective)
- “Did you know that Zeller’s sells this same product for 5 cents less?” (tell as many associates as you can)
- “How can you be out of stock?” (for best results, apply this question to a product that is very popular and ask 20 minutes before the store closes.
- “Can you check in the back?” (most used and most effective.  No Wal-Mart’s carry items in the back before 9:30 pm.)
- “Where is electronics?” (very common, and usually hard to explain, pros come back to the associate and tell them “they couldn’t find it.” And making the associate drop everything they’re doing and walk them to electronics.  For best pro results, do this to a person stocking milk or freezer, allowing the food to thaw)
- Can you call another Wal-Mart to see if they have it? (Best used if the employee is already angry about helping you)
- Is that all the insert item here that you carry? (adding in that a different store carries double of the item gives a longer lasting impression of you on the associate.)
- Do you work here? (shows your intelligence)

  Ask About Sales and Rain Checks.
Wal-Mart doesn’t have sales except for in June for their anniversary.  Asking people “what’s on sale this week?” is annoying and downright necessary for you to be a Wal-Mart shopper.  Rain checks are also vital.  Asking for a rain check on peas is quite possibly the best course of action.  They are shipped in everyday and they are very inexpensive.  The hassle to just make the rain check form, fill it out, get two signatures, plus your own is enough to push away the non-typical shoppers, but not you, to you, this is fun.  If you really are an avid Wal-Mart shopper you will also go out of your way to find the items that are out of stock and get rain checks on them.  It doesn’t matter if they’re size 3 – 7 socks and your feet are size 12, or if you have to argue about getting a rain check on 93¢ sporks you better work your ass off to get those cheap or useless items.

  Spills and Complaints
This is the area where the shoppers are separated between the casual shoppers and true shoppers.  Spilling items like coffee or pop is a nuisance but it is understandable, the true shoppers will spill items like: salsa, eggs, flour, potted plants, bags of fish, knock over a shelf of glass, fall into a glass-wares display, paint, a spool of thread, and my personal favourite tubs of Crisco.  These spills not only create one hell of a mess, but they can enhanced, if you just walk away if you notice there’s not an employee in sight or you see an employee if you just point to it then walk away, this is a pro move.  
  Complaining about things at Wal-Mart has become a national and world-wide past time.  It brings people together in line-ups or just plain lets the complainer feel like they’ve made a difference by shouting “I’m never shopping here again!” Yes these folks are the pride and joy of Wal-Mart.  They are the ones you hear about from employees; the ones that go down in history.  They complain about the smallest things like there not being any Diet Coke at 9:30 at night, not only is it frustrating enough that you made the associate to go look for the item in the back, you go the extra mile to inform the Managers of your displeasure.  Here are a few common complaints that could and should be used if you wish to achieve the status of a professional Wal-Mart shopper:
- Complain about the massive line-ups (best if used on days prior to, or after holidays)
- Talk very quickly with your spouse/daughter/friend so that the associate can’t understand, then complain that they employee just doesn’t listen. (great if you like puzzled looks)
- Act utterly baffled that an associate you found in pets doesn’t know anything about Health and Beauty or Automotive. (the further from the department you need help in, the better)
- Complain about the size of the store to low level associates. (for maximum confusion, a younger person should say it)
- Protest that you deserve more assistance than any other person because of your ill shopping partner (bonus points if you shopping partner has a foot injury or walking problem)
- Be outraged that, due to thunderstorms, the garden centre is closed, and the employees refuse to open it back open for “safety reasons”.

  So there you have it, the abbreviated guide to Becoming a Wal-Mart Shopper.  With these tips, you should be able to excel in the field of shopping.  Bring back an item that is over two years old and demand your money back, make the person in fish dunk their entire long sleeved arm into the fish tank just so you can get that one stubborn fish.  Remember, the customer is always right, no matter how stupid they are.